Friday, January 14, 2011

It gets cold? What?

I like how when I told people I was moving to New York, most reacted with "it gets cold there." No shit. That was the big concern. Did I have gloves? Did I have boots? Had I ever been in snow before? Did I know snow was cold? Geeez people... I was built for cold weather :) But yes, I had been exposed to the chilly whiteness known as "snow" a few times in my life. And I was aware that dealing with it could lead to numbness in my hands, feet, and nose. Just to be on the safe side though, I climbed into my parent's deep freeze every chance I got and lived among the popsicles and pans of eggplant parmesan for proper climate conditioning.
It got pretty chilly and I saw a sprinkle of flakes a few days, but when the actual big snow fell I was back sweating my ass off in Texas for X-mas. Ok, lets talk about that! I booked my flight to be in Texas Dec. 20- Dec. 30. That way I got to do the family thing... see my peoples... be there for my best friend's bday... and make it back to NYC for New Years! My flight out was for 6:25 a.m. so I lugged my huge bag down a few blocks to try to hail a cab at 4:30 in the morning. I was hoping for a yellow cab because then I could swipe my card, but there were none in sight. All I had was $40 and a granola bar (that I really didn't want to share). I flagged down a gypsy cab and he quoted me $44. I told him all I had was $40, including tip. He didn't look happy, but I was the only moron out in the cold at 4:30 a.m. so he decided my money was good enough and off we went! I did not offer him any of my granola bar.
I checked in, checked my bag ($25! Airline rape!), and was heading towards security when a harsh voice started yelling "Ma'am! Ma'am- can't take ya wata thru tha line- gonna have ta throw it out." I turned around and yelled "Bitch it's not water, it's juice!" Ha- no I didn't. She was frightening. But I did have plenty of time so I stood by her, took out my granola bar and my juice and had a delightful breakfast. I finished, smiled at her, and threw it away. You know, she didn't say anything but I think it bothered her I stood there and ate breakfast in front of her. Maybe I should have offered her some granola. Next time... So then I got to stand in line and remove my clothes. Yay! Its kind of fun to strip in public... and an airport is one of the only places you get to do it without people getting all upset. The library- not so much. So I'm going through the machine... I didn't take my sweatshirt off and the cute little old man checking boarding passes told me if I kept it on I'd have to be pat down by an officer. I asked him if he was going to be doing the patting... he said no and pointed to some non-appealing brutes behind him. I can be a good sport an all, but the sweatshirt promptly came off and I was allowed passage. I think I may have hurt one of the brute's feelings. Once again... next time :)
I got to my gate, picked a prime seat away from sleepers or people with kids, tried to relax, get some reading in... and then OH NO! I got a tummy ache from drinking my juice too fast because I didn't want to toss it out. Luckily I travel with antacids. As boarding time neared, I was torn between going pee before I got on the plane or waiting. I decided better safe than sorry and hit it up. I got in there just as the ladies were about to clean... and they were opening each vacant stall and giving a narrative of what they saw. One lady had a really thick Jamaican accent and was saying "Flush the damn toilets!" I laughed and said to myself, "Ms. Cleo's getting mad!" which made me laugh harder, and when she turned to me I just smiled and told her I did flush my toilet. She said thanks and I knew then my day was going to be great- because Ms. Cleo was happy with me :) I returned to my waiting area and noticed a girl had taken my seat and her hair had taken the one next to it. That's right- her hair. Her ass was in one and she had slumped over her bag in the next one, throwing her crazy long hairs all over it. I sat on the edge and tried to avoid the hairs. Its not like she seemed dirty or anything but come on... I don't know her hairs so I don't want them on me. It is finally boarding time! YAY! Guess who is my airplane seating buddy??? Sleeping crazy long hairs girl! Luckily we we made it through most of the flight with an empty seat between us. I was trying to snooze since I had been up for about 22 hours at that point, when  the flight attendant informed me that there was a very long-legged gentleman who needed more leg-room and the ability to recline his seat- which was not possible back by the bathrooms. Correct me if I'm wrong, but ISN'T IT COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT SEATS BY THE POTTY DON'T RECLINE? I don't even fly that much but I knew that! Also, this long-legged dude was wearing a suit, which means he is on a business trip- and probably not his first one, and he had a Blackberry- which I saw he could use, which means he probably knows something about the Internet- which is probably the way he check in for his flight, and he should have noticed he could look at his seat and change it if need be! COME ON MAN! And even if his personal assistant takes care of all his travel plans- she should know he has long legs and shouldn't be by the toilet. Maybe he should fire her. All in all- I didn't see why I had to be disrupted. Whatever- me and sleeping long hairs girl got another seating buddy. Woo.
We touchdown in Houston where the pilot informs us it is 76 degrees. Yuck.

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